2012

I Know That I Don’t Know

Tap. Tap. Tap.
Ugh!
Click. Click. Click.
Argh!

 
Anxious. Impatient. Troubled. Frustrated. These words barely describe my life right now. I am having to change, let go, and give up things I have spent years building up. Systems, projects, resources, methods, traditions. Boom! They’ve got to go.
I know, I know. House built on the sand gets tossed to sea. I know. But it is going deeper than that. My identity is changing. I can no longer live for me, myself and I. I’m narrowing in on one thing and one thing alone . . . Christ.
You are a Christian, Trent, ya know . . . I know, I know. But my needs come first, ya know! I mean, I do it unknowingly most of the time: flip on the TV, play a game, search Netflix, eat a box of Cheese-Its in one sitting. BAH! What a wreck!
Have you seen my room? Do you know my sleeping pattern? Did I just eat 5 cookies? Is this my fifth cup of coffee? Are my eyes still glazed over. Has my breathing become short and quick?
I know one thing. It is the not knowing that has got me. I am about to cut ties with family, friends a job to die for, and  leave the good ‘ole US of A for 11 months.
No, I was not always this troubled. You would never believe me now if I told you one of my strengths is “Adaptability.” And 99% of the time I am very adaptive, very easy-going and extremely chill. But this is straight-up obedience, and straight up what God has called me to do. I do believe that if you are scared out of your wits about what lies ahead and what decisions you have and will have to make it is because you are right in the middle of God’s Will for your life.
So, the next breath will hopefully be a little less heavy and maybe my nights will be filled with rest when I just make the decision to know that I don’t know about what lies ahead and trust that God knows what’s up. I’m scared, but I’ve got some big arms to rest in. I think it’s time I ran towards them.
I’m running.
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I tap my fingers on my keyboard, biting my gums as I wonder how I should feel.

Should I feel guilt?

Should I let pride continue its reign?

It’s just so intense and will require much of me.

Oh, Trent, you talked yesterday of not treading water and yet you jump around this. You’re like a cat who pounces around a ball of yarn leaping at it only to jump back franticly.

Suck it up and “just do it.”

God! God. I’m sorry for not being perfect. I am sorry for not always having the desire to yearn for it more. But once I open those pages again, I’ll be consumed until my heart can take no more.

So, let us look on as Adam meets Eve and Moses parts the waters. Let us be amazed as donkeys talk and empires crumble.

A Savior will be born and death will be defeated.

The greatest story ever told and I am about to watch it all unfold.